Warning labels have gotten out of control lately.  Just this morning, I noticed that my glasses could use a swipe with a lens cleaner.  I got a package of lens wipes and noticed that it has the warning, “Do not use on contact lenses”.  Really?  Would someone actually try that? 

My biggest problem, though, are those things that NEED a warning label and don’t have one.  For those items, I’ve come up with the following labels that I would like for you to print out and stick on any of the items that you happen to own for your safety:

Neti Pots – Warning: This product should not be used prior to an intimate encounter with your significant other as salt water will continue to pour from your nose even after you have blown said nose.  If you MUST use prior to the boom boom, do not attempt any position other than missionary.  Additionally, you should not use prior to any type of interview, tv appearance and/or photo shoot.

Crocs – Warning: These shoes are hideous and make you look like a little Dutch boy.  Take them off.  DO IT.  Do not attempt to wear these abominations unless you are under the age of 4 or work in a hospital. 

Nu-Skin – Warning: This product appears to be helpful in applying to a cut in order to cover and protect.  This is a clever trick used by the manufacturing company, however, and this product will actually make you feel like you have just shoved a flaming scorpion into the gash and it is now climbing through your bones.  You’d be better off amputating the extremity that contains the cut.

Huggies Diapers – Warning: Giiiiiiirl, you better get a size bigger than you get in Pampers because your child’s pink outfit is about to turn brown.  The only thing that can fit in this size is your baby’s butt…not what comes out of it.

Smooth Away – Warning: Rubbing this sandpaper on your legs will remove all skin.  It will not, however, remove the hair.  Bonus: People will most likely not notice the hair as they will be staring at your open wounds.

Baby Alive Whoopsie Poopsie Doll – Warning: This doll will make your child think it’s fun to play with poop.  You should educate your child on the dangers of e.coli prior to buying them this doll.

Fingertip Teeth Cleaner for Babies – Warning: If your child has teeth, (s)he will try to bite your finger off like an angry barracuda and you will only have a thin layer of rubber to protect your tender skin.  You’d be better off taping a real toothbrush to a yard stick and brushing child’s teeth from afar.

That’s all for now.  I may be back if I don’t get sued by the above named companies within the next 24 hours.

**EDIT** HA!  Funny thing happened...at lunch, I went to my mom's and she babysits for this little girl.  The little girl was sitting in a chair and I noticed that her pants were wet.  I asked my mom when she last changed the kid.  She said she had just changed her a half hour ago.  Turns out, the kid was wearing HUGGIES!  So, there you have it...I was right (as usual).

Hugs, bitches.

 I got my hair cut in honor of being really old...30!...do you likey?!?!?!?!

Deli Counter Employees and Me

A few weeks ago, my husband’s cousin and aunt came to visit.  His cousin planned a sort of reunion for the other cousins as well and we were having it at my house.  I decided to just do sandwiches and salads.  I went to the deli, pulled a ticket out of the red wheel and waited patiently for my turn.  When my number was called, I put the ticket in the basket and smiled at the deli guy.  He looked at me as if I had just given him the finger while simultaneously spitting at him.  Whatever, man.  I tell him I need 2 lbs of turkey.  He rolled his eyes.  Um, excuse me, but I’m pretty sure YOU’RE the one behind the counter wearing plastic gloves, a hairnet and a polyester vest saying PATHMARK.  Therefore, I think it’s YOUR job to get my lunchmeat and not roll your eyes as if I’m being lazy by asking you to do it for me. 

He asks me what kind of turkey I want.  Let me interject here that I work for a mortgage company, not Let’s Talk Turkey.  I look at him with a blank face because I have no idea what he’s asking me.  He continues to stare at me.  I’m staring at him.  He’s still staring at me.  Oh, you want to challenge me to a staring cont…you blinked!  I win!  I ask him to explain what he means.  He says, while again rolling his eyes, “Do you want oven roasted, white, brown, glazed, honey glazed, low sodium, low cholesterol, Butterball, Deitz and Watson, store brand, sliced thin, thick or in between?”  I sheepishly explain that I don’t know much about turkey, but I guess I’ll take the store brand. He rolls his eyes again and says, “And?”  I say, “And, what?”  He exhales loudly as if he’d prefer to stick my head in the meat slicer than explain the varieties of turkey again.  I say, “Oh sorry I didn’t realize that the store brand comes in the different varieties too.  Ok, I’ll have oven roasted.”  He says, “Store brand doesn’t come in oven roasted.”  Seriously?   I am getting pissed now so I say, between gritted teeth, “Just give me turkey.  You pick the kind.”  I then order ham (imported, medium sliced, smoked over a coal fire, not a wood fire, low sodium, heavy on the preservatives) and cheese (American, from America, white, medium sliced, square).  He literally throws the baggies at me and then walks into the back.  His friend and deli-partner takes this as a perfect opportunity to flirt with me.  He says, “How are you today, pretty lady?”  I say, “Fine.  How are you?”  He says, “If you’re back here when I get off work, I’ll let you know just how I am.”  I consider throwing a pimento loaf at his head, but he’d probably think it was foreplay. 

Let’s just say I won’t be using that deli any longer.